I think what it is that i have so much going on in my life right now. Workschoolworkschoolworkschool, even though im finally only taking two classes this semester; they have by far been 2 of the hardest ive taken, those classes itself give me more than enough stress. I almost disappear from the real world. Not to mention the personal life, which adds about 10X more stress to my already complicated life.
But enough about school, my goal of this random blog is to try to figure out whats really bothering me, so sorry to all the readers who cant comprehend what im saying ... cause niether can i. I have a feeling its gunna get messy and not make any sense at all, but hopefully in the end ill get something out of it, so bare with me. In fact stop reading right now to save yourself the trouble.
I feel like my heart has a hole in it, like an actual hole. I remember the last time i felt this way -- it wasnt good. Its been a fight since the beginning; dont get me wrong i love a challenge & i dont regret anything that ive been through since day one because one way or another i ended up learning something new. Each tear was a hurtful lesson & each smile was a memory that i want to put on repeat over and over...
But when will the fight stop? Although i love a challenge when will the competition to stay together end? When can i just be undeinably happy? Happy in the sense of content. Because lately my happiness is like a stop watch; happy one minute but not the other. Real talk its hard to love you, its hard to be happy with you, its hard to have a consistent relationship with you; but regardless all my love goes to you. In the end the story always ends the same. Me and you together. We can live in a different life time, be different species, we can be in love & argue in 10,000 different languages; no matter how many different times we try, how many different arguments we get into, the story always ends the same.
Confusing and complicated. Thats us, but honestly im tired of being confused and undecisive of what we have. I know its partly my fault why things the way things are; but it doesnt change the fact that im ready for the confusing and complicated part to go away
i wanna let everything im feeling out. lately ive just learned to keep it all in, because in all honesty know one ever listens, i feel as if no one hears me. Okay, nvm that was a lie; everrrryone listens, my girls, my cousins, they all listen but the one person who i need to hear me, the one person who can take all this pain i feel away ... he doesnt hear me anymore. not like he use to, the dynamic we use to have for one another has somehow disappeared into yelling and constant arguing...
I cant say that you dont love me, because i know you do. But your love for me ... its changed. & to tell you the truth, i hate it. Theres no more gentleness in your touch, no more sincerity in your voice, no more meaning. You fight for our love i get it, but are you fighting to jussst win? or are you fighting for me?
If only, i could get your love back i would hold it in my heart forever put a lock on it, throw away the keys, & never ever let it go. Because thats all i ever want; the love that ive always known. Nothing better, nothing different, nothing worst; i just want THAT love, but now all i have is the memory of it & the memory of how you use to be.
I adore you with my life, & im not ready to let you go. But sometimes i feel like its what i gotta do, for the both of us. Everyday i feel as if we're drifting further and further a part from one another, everyday i know you less & im scared one day im just gunna wake up and not recognize you at all.
Im sorry if it seems like im puttin you on blast on this shit, or if im pointing all the fingers towards you. Im not, i know i have my share in all of this too. But in the spirit of venting, i figured out what was really bothering me.
so much fah a loss of words, but dont say i didnt say stop reading a loonnng time ago.
