TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

You told me as if i had a choice. As if i actually had a say in it. " Take it or Leave it?" Im tired of taking it, but im afraid to leave it. 

You may look at me and smile, but you never bothered to look through me. 

All you do is look, touch and listen, but do you honestly feel?

I give no hope, no more chances. Im now simply waiting for you to fail,

but secretly waiting for you to succeed. 

ou may look at me and smile but you never bothered to looked through me

Because i know you can. If you just bring back the person i know&miss.

LOSS OF WORDS.

... but i felt like it was the perfect momment to write a blog. I cant seem to think clearly at all, cant concentrate on anything, cant even focus on having a conversation with someone. Theres too much on my mind and i cant seem to find an outlet to let all of my thoughts out.

I think what it is that i have so much going on in my life right now. Workschoolworkschoolworkschool, even though im finally only taking two classes this semester; they have by far been 2 of the hardest ive taken, those classes itself give me more than enough stress. I almost disappear from the real world. Not to mention the personal life, which adds about 10X more stress to my already complicated life.

But enough about school, my goal of this random blog is to try to figure out whats really bothering me, so sorry to all the readers who cant comprehend what im saying ... cause niether can i. I have a feeling its gunna get messy and not make any sense at all, but hopefully in the end ill get something out of it, so bare with me. In fact stop reading right now to save yourself the trouble.

I feel like my heart has a hole in it, like an actual hole. I remember the last time i felt this way -- it wasnt good. Its been a fight since the beginning; dont get me wrong i love a challenge & i dont regret anything that ive been through since day one because one way or another i ended up learning something new. Each tear was a hurtful lesson & each smile was a memory that i want to put on repeat over and over...

But when will the fight stop? Although i love a challenge when will the competition to stay together end? When can i just be undeinably happy? Happy in the sense of content. Because lately my happiness is like a stop watch; happy one minute but not the other. Real talk its hard to love you, its hard to be happy with you, its hard to have a consistent relationship with you; but regardless all my love goes to you. In the end the story always ends the same. Me and you together. We can live in a different life time, be different species, we can  be in love & argue in 10,000 different languages; no matter how many different times we try, how many different arguments we get into, the story always ends the same. 

Confusing and complicated. Thats us, but honestly im tired of being confused and undecisive of what we have. I know its partly my fault why things the way things are; but it doesnt change the fact that im ready for the confusing and complicated part to go away

i wanna let everything im feeling out. lately ive just learned to keep it all in, because in all honesty know one ever listens, i feel as if no one hears me. Okay, nvm that was a lie; everrrryone listens, my girls, my cousins, they all listen but the one person who i need to hear me, the one person who can take all this pain i feel away ... he doesnt hear me anymore. not like he use to, the dynamic we use to have for one another has somehow disappeared into yelling and constant arguing...

I cant say that you dont love me, because i know you do. But your love for me ... its changed. & to tell you the truth, i hate it. Theres no more gentleness in your touch, no more sincerity in your voice, no more meaning. You fight for our love i get it, but are you fighting to jussst win? or are you fighting for me? 

If only, i could get your love back i would hold it in my heart forever put a lock on it, throw away the keys, & never ever let it go. Because thats all i ever want; the love that ive always known. Nothing better, nothing different, nothing worst; i just want THAT love, but now all i have is the memory of it & the memory of how you use to be. 

I adore you with my life, & im not ready to let you go. But sometimes i feel like its what i gotta do, for the both of us. Everyday i feel as if we're drifting further and further a part from one another, everyday i know you less & im scared one day im just gunna wake up and not recognize you at all. 

Im sorry if it seems like im puttin you on blast on this shit, or if im pointing all the fingers towards you. Im not, i know i have my share in all of this too. But in the spirit of venting, i figured out what was really bothering me. 

so much fah a loss of words, but dont say i didnt say stop reading a loonnng time ago. 

THANKS OPRAH!

 Since oprah is hella stacccccccccked she had nothing better to do with her mullllllla but buy us all some KFC! So take advantage of her generosity and print yoooshit NOW @ www.unthinkfc.com :)

&&& quick apologies for the late responses to text/calls/aims, im not ignoring you guys; actually yeah i am lightweight. HAHA, realtalk though I got 4 finals on the same day next week so you already knowwww. But after the 20th im all yours babbbbbby. :]

BUSSSSSY BEE.

yawwp, that pretty much sums it upp :) & its a week before schools out so you already know its NONSTOP STUDYING for me for finals. Then offfff to sin city babbbbbby, holla! ill update more later when i got free time cause you already know im always on the go. I just wanted to let everyone know that im still alive :)

TICKLE ME...

ELMOOOOOO.

You already know, another birthday in the Fam, im tellin you its never ending ... But lemme tell you those cupcakes were HELLLLLLA GOOOOD. REDVELVET MMMmMmM :)
It was Jonah's 2nd birthday. Went to Natomas to go celebrate it with the Famsss, as usual everyone was there. & if you look closely his candle is pretty cracckin, i wish they made shit like that when i was younger, i guess you can keeeeep re-usin it till you 21. 
Birthday boy, gettin frustrated cause he didnt want anymore pictures. 
HAHA, this smile always gets me; its the " can i please play taptap on the iPhone" smile. 

" oh hell no bitch, you took him to the bathroom" - jem. 
cutessssssssssy.
Some of the boyssss.
Out numbered by dicks that night, but we still say FUCK YOU :) (missing the ates) 

WOW all i gotta say niggggas are stupid at times so a BIG FUCK YOU TO YOU GUYS, HAHA just kidddddddding :) We was havin some real heart to heart that night, in some randomass room in Tita Luisa's house not knowin that we were layin in someone's bed. Hahah. From the literally 30 missed calls to the paragrpahLONGGGG text messages, its a good thing we were with one another that night to keep each other calm... kinda. hahah :) 

Other then stupid nigggas, the night was coo, the food was goooood, & quality time with my cousin was craccckin. 

REMINISCE.

Went to my old middle schoool for my babbbbby brothers award ceremony. DAMN i felt old, i felt even older when i saw my old teachers with some grey hair & some that can barely walk anymore. The school got upgraded though ... why couldnt they have an elevator when i went there? the fucckkk. Anyways my babbybro got on the honors despite all the parent meetings and phone call homes cause of his bigass mouth, no doubt that the kiddddd got brains. :) 

CLOSE YOUR EYES & OPEN YOUR MIND.

We had this exercise to do in one of my psychology classes that i thought was interesting enough to share with the world; " Write three anonymous statements, intended to different or the same people, things that you've always wanted to let someone know, but never did." 

1.

... pleasepleaseplealsepuhhhhhlease learn to get a mind of your own. One day you think this about a person and the next day you think that. All because of influences of other people. ITS DRIVING ME NUTS! well not really, but sometimes it annoys me & i do wanna tell you how it is, but there comes a point when i just gotta let you do you feelme? I tell you on a daily because i try to be a good friend & i want you to have an open mind, & be ready for the motherfucken worrrrrrld. Maybe i dont tell you DIRECTLY but if you read between the lines... babbbbbbby trust me i tell you. Dont judge too early, matter fact dont judge PERIOD. People got reasons for the things they do, reasons that are beyond your train of thought. 

2.

Dear you, 

I dont know how it ever came to this. How YOU ever got like this, when i was younger you were always my savior, my hero, the rock that held the family together. In my eyes you were superman. But as i grew older, our relationship grew apart to THIS ... whatever you wanna call this. I know your hurting, no matter how much you wanna deny it. I know. I hate seeing you like this, i wanna help you in any way that i can ... but the thing is you wont let me... infact you wont let ANYONE help you, not even yourself. Sometimes i cant help but be so mad at you. Your selfish as fuck, to let yourself go the way you did. What about us? You didnt think about that did you? Probably not, because your too caught up in feeling sorry for yourself. I hope and pray that one day, when its NOT TOO LATE, that you realize... Realize that this family still needs you. 

3.

Thankyou for accepting ALL of me, including my faults and imperfections. Thankyou for understanding when there was nothing left to understand, for not letting go, when there was nothing left to hold on to, & thankyou for staying...when i walked away. I love you with everything that i have. 

MHMMMMmM, i feel better :)