TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

You told me as if i had a choice. As if i actually had a say in it. " Take it or Leave it?" Im tired of taking it, but im afraid to leave it. 

You may look at me and smile, but you never bothered to look through me. 

All you do is look, touch and listen, but do you honestly feel?

I give no hope, no more chances. Im now simply waiting for you to fail,

but secretly waiting for you to succeed. 

ou may look at me and smile but you never bothered to looked through me

Because i know you can. If you just bring back the person i know&miss.

LOSS OF WORDS.

... but i felt like it was the perfect momment to write a blog. I cant seem to think clearly at all, cant concentrate on anything, cant even focus on having a conversation with someone. Theres too much on my mind and i cant seem to find an outlet to let all of my thoughts out.

I think what it is that i have so much going on in my life right now. Workschoolworkschoolworkschool, even though im finally only taking two classes this semester; they have by far been 2 of the hardest ive taken, those classes itself give me more than enough stress. I almost disappear from the real world. Not to mention the personal life, which adds about 10X more stress to my already complicated life.

But enough about school, my goal of this random blog is to try to figure out whats really bothering me, so sorry to all the readers who cant comprehend what im saying ... cause niether can i. I have a feeling its gunna get messy and not make any sense at all, but hopefully in the end ill get something out of it, so bare with me. In fact stop reading right now to save yourself the trouble.

I feel like my heart has a hole in it, like an actual hole. I remember the last time i felt this way -- it wasnt good. Its been a fight since the beginning; dont get me wrong i love a challenge & i dont regret anything that ive been through since day one because one way or another i ended up learning something new. Each tear was a hurtful lesson & each smile was a memory that i want to put on repeat over and over...

But when will the fight stop? Although i love a challenge when will the competition to stay together end? When can i just be undeinably happy? Happy in the sense of content. Because lately my happiness is like a stop watch; happy one minute but not the other. Real talk its hard to love you, its hard to be happy with you, its hard to have a consistent relationship with you; but regardless all my love goes to you. In the end the story always ends the same. Me and you together. We can live in a different life time, be different species, we can  be in love & argue in 10,000 different languages; no matter how many different times we try, how many different arguments we get into, the story always ends the same. 

Confusing and complicated. Thats us, but honestly im tired of being confused and undecisive of what we have. I know its partly my fault why things the way things are; but it doesnt change the fact that im ready for the confusing and complicated part to go away

i wanna let everything im feeling out. lately ive just learned to keep it all in, because in all honesty know one ever listens, i feel as if no one hears me. Okay, nvm that was a lie; everrrryone listens, my girls, my cousins, they all listen but the one person who i need to hear me, the one person who can take all this pain i feel away ... he doesnt hear me anymore. not like he use to, the dynamic we use to have for one another has somehow disappeared into yelling and constant arguing...

I cant say that you dont love me, because i know you do. But your love for me ... its changed. & to tell you the truth, i hate it. Theres no more gentleness in your touch, no more sincerity in your voice, no more meaning. You fight for our love i get it, but are you fighting to jussst win? or are you fighting for me? 

If only, i could get your love back i would hold it in my heart forever put a lock on it, throw away the keys, & never ever let it go. Because thats all i ever want; the love that ive always known. Nothing better, nothing different, nothing worst; i just want THAT love, but now all i have is the memory of it & the memory of how you use to be. 

I adore you with my life, & im not ready to let you go. But sometimes i feel like its what i gotta do, for the both of us. Everyday i feel as if we're drifting further and further a part from one another, everyday i know you less & im scared one day im just gunna wake up and not recognize you at all. 

Im sorry if it seems like im puttin you on blast on this shit, or if im pointing all the fingers towards you. Im not, i know i have my share in all of this too. But in the spirit of venting, i figured out what was really bothering me. 

so much fah a loss of words, but dont say i didnt say stop reading a loonnng time ago. 

THANKS OPRAH!

 Since oprah is hella stacccccccccked she had nothing better to do with her mullllllla but buy us all some KFC! So take advantage of her generosity and print yoooshit NOW @ www.unthinkfc.com :)

&&& quick apologies for the late responses to text/calls/aims, im not ignoring you guys; actually yeah i am lightweight. HAHA, realtalk though I got 4 finals on the same day next week so you already knowwww. But after the 20th im all yours babbbbbby. :]

BUSSSSSY BEE.

yawwp, that pretty much sums it upp :) & its a week before schools out so you already know its NONSTOP STUDYING for me for finals. Then offfff to sin city babbbbbby, holla! ill update more later when i got free time cause you already know im always on the go. I just wanted to let everyone know that im still alive :)

TICKLE ME...

ELMOOOOOO.

You already know, another birthday in the Fam, im tellin you its never ending ... But lemme tell you those cupcakes were HELLLLLLA GOOOOD. REDVELVET MMMmMmM :)
It was Jonah's 2nd birthday. Went to Natomas to go celebrate it with the Famsss, as usual everyone was there. & if you look closely his candle is pretty cracckin, i wish they made shit like that when i was younger, i guess you can keeeeep re-usin it till you 21. 
Birthday boy, gettin frustrated cause he didnt want anymore pictures. 
HAHA, this smile always gets me; its the " can i please play taptap on the iPhone" smile. 

" oh hell no bitch, you took him to the bathroom" - jem. 
cutessssssssssy.
Some of the boyssss.
Out numbered by dicks that night, but we still say FUCK YOU :) (missing the ates) 

WOW all i gotta say niggggas are stupid at times so a BIG FUCK YOU TO YOU GUYS, HAHA just kidddddddding :) We was havin some real heart to heart that night, in some randomass room in Tita Luisa's house not knowin that we were layin in someone's bed. Hahah. From the literally 30 missed calls to the paragrpahLONGGGG text messages, its a good thing we were with one another that night to keep each other calm... kinda. hahah :) 

Other then stupid nigggas, the night was coo, the food was goooood, & quality time with my cousin was craccckin. 

REMINISCE.

Went to my old middle schoool for my babbbbby brothers award ceremony. DAMN i felt old, i felt even older when i saw my old teachers with some grey hair & some that can barely walk anymore. The school got upgraded though ... why couldnt they have an elevator when i went there? the fucckkk. Anyways my babbybro got on the honors despite all the parent meetings and phone call homes cause of his bigass mouth, no doubt that the kiddddd got brains. :) 

CLOSE YOUR EYES & OPEN YOUR MIND.

We had this exercise to do in one of my psychology classes that i thought was interesting enough to share with the world; " Write three anonymous statements, intended to different or the same people, things that you've always wanted to let someone know, but never did." 

1.

... pleasepleaseplealsepuhhhhhlease learn to get a mind of your own. One day you think this about a person and the next day you think that. All because of influences of other people. ITS DRIVING ME NUTS! well not really, but sometimes it annoys me & i do wanna tell you how it is, but there comes a point when i just gotta let you do you feelme? I tell you on a daily because i try to be a good friend & i want you to have an open mind, & be ready for the motherfucken worrrrrrld. Maybe i dont tell you DIRECTLY but if you read between the lines... babbbbbbby trust me i tell you. Dont judge too early, matter fact dont judge PERIOD. People got reasons for the things they do, reasons that are beyond your train of thought. 

2.

Dear you, 

I dont know how it ever came to this. How YOU ever got like this, when i was younger you were always my savior, my hero, the rock that held the family together. In my eyes you were superman. But as i grew older, our relationship grew apart to THIS ... whatever you wanna call this. I know your hurting, no matter how much you wanna deny it. I know. I hate seeing you like this, i wanna help you in any way that i can ... but the thing is you wont let me... infact you wont let ANYONE help you, not even yourself. Sometimes i cant help but be so mad at you. Your selfish as fuck, to let yourself go the way you did. What about us? You didnt think about that did you? Probably not, because your too caught up in feeling sorry for yourself. I hope and pray that one day, when its NOT TOO LATE, that you realize... Realize that this family still needs you. 

3.

Thankyou for accepting ALL of me, including my faults and imperfections. Thankyou for understanding when there was nothing left to understand, for not letting go, when there was nothing left to hold on to, & thankyou for staying...when i walked away. I love you with everything that i have. 

MHMMMMmM, i feel better :)

BIRTHDAYS GALORE.

Apologies for not keeping up with this blog. Work & school has pretty much occupied my time ... but dont trippppp chocolate chip, you didnt really miss much. Just a bunch of birthdays and fam parties to the MAXXX! I swear its always someones birthday in our family ... jem & i figured out that we have atleast 1 birthday every month of the year (not including my moms side which is another 239872138heads). And knowing our fam ... we dont miss ANYONES birthday; no matter how old or young you are. 

Birthday boy blowing the BOMBASS cake. Mmhmm strawberries :)

ohhh shit, vocals?!

Birthday girrrl & cutieepatoootie. 

Ate Carolyn's birthday, cept the little ones took turns blowing her cake out for her :)

" smile first, then you can play TAPTAP on the iphone ... " Obvious who wanted to play. 

Dads 51st birthday. We kept it legit and simple with a family dinner, my mom&i cooked some bombaass food. I cashed out on a bluetoooth for daddd & 2twenty packs of redbull since he stayyyys drinkin that. But damn redbull is a grippppp, thats why i stay drinkin my wataaaah at ALL TIMES! 

MAC's FIRST birthday ;) 

Went to the ayebaybay, for jem's bday. 

I SEE CAKES ...  (look closely)hahah fucking JR. yaaanasty.

got it craccckin in the citttty for her bdaaay! ;) 

awww you nasty lovebirds. the couch, their homes for the night, you motherfucccccckas! haha. 

ON ANOTHER NOTE schools been a bitch! Test every week, quizzes everyday, homework till i cant think straight ... NOT CRACCKIN. Someone gimme a kitkat cause i need a motherfucken break. SPRING BREAK IS LOOKIN PRETTY DAMN GOOOOOOOOD. :) GOODBYE SACRAAAAMENTO, & hellllo LA?SD?MIAMI? juicccced. 

NOTE TO SELF.

call the groomers to get MAC an appt. ASAP!

GREAT DEPRESSION PART 2?

Honest to gahhhhd. People are desperate to make MULLLLLAbabbby, they will do anything. More power to the people working hard to earn their papeeeeer, but to the others ... damn do it LEGIT. stupid fucking economy, can we get right? Yesterday someone broke in to my moms car, most probably hoping to find something they can make some fasssst cash off of. TOO BAD ALL YOU FOUND WAS MY BATHING SUITES, serves you right bitches. oh & thanks for not stealing them :)  

Real talk though, i got lightweight scared cause I would never think that type of shit would happen in my neighborhood. I mean i live around all WRINKLY OLDASS SENIOR CITIZENS who call the cops when i have a kickback of 10 heads. sooooo i would think that our shit is safe, but obviously i was wrong. This was a little eye opener of how desperate people are getting to get money. So lock your cars, take your shit out because some GREEDYASMOTHERFUCKER will sure as hell jaccccck your shit in a blink of an eye. ( & please be careful while driving cause coppps are givin tickets like crazy cause the city needs the mullllaaaa. )

Oh & speaking of making money ... I was listening to 103.5 on my way to work the other day & they were talkin about ways that people make extraa money. Tell me why thissssss nigggga, fuckin makes extra cash by cooking naked for a 60 year old man EVERY SUNDAY. Hhahaa, he was a student from sac state that needed fassst $$$. So for you Sac State students be careful you might be sitting next to the naked cheff. haha, talk about SUNDAY FUNNNNNNNDAY. 

On a lighternote, i treated the fambammm out to dinner @ mizus...

ESCARGO? ugggh i couldnt bring myself tah eat it. but popps was tearin that shit upppp. 

Fatttty.

MMMHMMM, clams. :]

walked around a little after. 

moms trying out her photoskilllllls.

brother dearesssst ;)

IF ONLY...

There were TWO of me;; Lately my life has been hectic to the max, once again struggling tah find a balance. Tryna find a way to get what i need done ... DONE. But at the sam time still be the life of the parlaaaay, haaaay! ;] haha nah but real talk, i got my priorities straight .. point blank. But can these damn professors stop giving me so much shit to read & lemme have a night with Mr.Heennnny?! schoolworkschoolworkschoolworkschoolwork & soooo much other shit in between. I have so much shit to be done, but theres only one of me & i can only do so much. Can i get a clone one timeeeee?! Life would be so much easier. 

BUT then again I cant always be tryna take the easy way out, lookin for a shortcut ... then the appreciation wont be there in the end. Look at Paris Hilton & all them other rich bitches who hasnt work a day in their life or even earnnnnnned a single penny for themselves, i bet you all my cash they dont have the same feeling i do when i CAS$$$H out...

... the "fuck im broke" feelin. HAHAH nah just kidding. What i meant WASSSSS the feeling of appreciation and the definition of hard work. You gotta work for what you want, life aint just gunna give it to you on a gold plater. Bessssst believe im workin my ass off, cause im sure as hell gunna be makin mines in the near future. yawwwwp :]

HAHA. Tell me that isnt that GAYIEST looking pose they could ever make them do. WTF is wrong with you MTV?! They look more like ballerinas then steppers. You should see they're individual pictures though, Sleeping Beauty got a whole new set of Fairy Godmothers cause thats what they look like in their pics, doin some gayass pose in the air, lmao. I aint hatin though causssse they can get it faashooooooo. These are my TOP 2 though, Beat Freaks & Strikers All Stars. One of the 2 will win, TRUSSSSST. 

They dont got shit on this cutie right here thouggggh. ;] haha, you already know. 

Anyways enough procrastinating & back to my 10 page essay. 1 page down & 9 more tahh go. Wish me luccck!

FAFAFA-FAAAYAH-MAN.

I was never really the " i love a man in a uniform" typppa female. But gahhhh damn. Mmmmmph, my oh my. Tell me why i seen a sessssy ass fireman today; I tried to be generous and share the eyecandy with the whole world, except that nigga was doin his job & kept movin too fast for me to capture a clear picutre. PLUS i was not tryna to look like no PSYCHOASS bitch taking a picture of some stranger on my phone. I got a snapshot of his whipp thougggh ;] 

It was a chillassss day at work, like any other friday. Budget cut this, Budget cut that, Great Depression Part 2 though? Hmmmph, im callin it ... but hopefully im wrong. Oh and if your 21... " support C-Webb at Centercourt this whole week, but ESPECIALLY on Feb. 5 since its Lady's night" i Quote from our Mayor, Kevin Johnson :] yawwwwp, for all of you who isnt up on your political game our mayor is a ballll-er. Literally.   

After work i plannnnnnned on buying some shit for my hair, cause im in need of a new color. But my Grandma called me & told me to come home ASAP to come home to this cutie ... 

.. he fell into the pool today , when him and Spike we chasing squirrles in the backyard & so i had to come home to giveee him a bath. Poor MAC was wrapped in a towel, fahhh-reeezing waiting for mama to give him a warmass bath. ( His fit is cute huh? " Thanks pa-puhhh for making me gay and buying me a juiceyfit, i still love it though!"--MAC hahah ) 

MAC when I first got him. AKA LEROY.... yes motherfuckin Leroy. Haha thats what the breeders named him. Best believe i changed that in a quickness. " Louie Mac Weezy" :] Tell me he isnt the cutest you've ever seen though, i missss him being that small, but then again it was lightweight scary cause i could never let him walk around the house cause someone would end up steppin on his lil 1 Lb body. Hes a whole 3 Lbs now though! YAY. 

Its 9PM on a Friday night, time tah find somethin tahhhhh do ;] Ill be nice & leave you some pics from last weekend @ Liz's kickbaccck. :) 

Still sober, cause im still smiling with Lizbaybeeh. 

Silly goooooooose. 

Lightweight buzzed, cause im still smiling a jussssst a lil. 

No lie, those fudgebars were HELLLLLLLLLA GOOOD. 

MmmmHmmm. 

Puckered Lips, Red face, Allergies, No more smiles ... this is when you know im drunk :]

5AM finally called it a night. 

ITS OFFICIAL ...

school has taken over my life. "/ 

RAP VS. HIPHOP

sorry for the longass blog, got carried away with procrastinating with homework :) enjoy!

When it comes to relationships you can pretty much say ive been through hell & back. Ive been cheated it on, decieved, manipulated, catered to, loved, admired, & everything else in between. Ive cried to the point where i couldnt breath anymore because of laughing too hard ... & ive cried to the point where there were no more tears left to accompany my pain. There were days where i was completely inlove & days when i was completely out of it. Ive been through the good and the bad,the ups and the downs, the i cant get enough of you, you hangup first, i wanna see you every minute, of every hour, of everyday type shit ... & the damn nigga can i get my fucking space, stop blowin up my damn phone every 5 minutes, i dont wanna see your face, lets take a break type shit. Been through it, around it, under it, over it ....... you get the point. Ive seen love in all perspectives ... wait scratch that WE'VE seen it. & after 5 years you still my nigga, down as hell, wherever, whenever, together or not. & thats how love should be right?  

You dont gotta be a "couple" to be in love. you dont gotta be my man, & i dont gotta be your girl, to show our love for one another. But at the end of the day we both already know who got each others hearts. You do your thing & i do mines. Its how we rolllllllll right? Its how its always been, for the last 3 years. & I appreciate every damn thannnng you do for me. everything. Me & you, we on a whole different level that no one will ever understand or ever comprehend, thats why we here, still strong as ever. But we aint even together, so whats so strong about it? i know, ironic. but you feeeeel me though right?! yawwwwp, i thought so. thats all that matters :) 

Theres so many niggggas, so many boys, so many succckas, so many playyas, where all the men at though? Real talk. A day doesnt go by where i dont hear about a nigga doin his girl hella dirrrrrty, & honestly its no suprise cause its always been that way. & Nah im not categorizing ALL GUYS, but the ones who doin the dirrrrrty, you know who you are. I love the women in my life like no other, & im happy that a good amount of them are happy. But theres a few that deserves more then what they got, but then again a girls true soulmate is her girls right?!  Im just sayin that there aint enough men out there whos gunna treat thier women the right way, alllllllla buncha wanna be PEE EYEE EMM PEEEES. 

oh & WHAT THE FUCK IS UP with all these nigggas preachin about how they want a wifey one time. & once they find one .... they run to a mothefucken HOE. its the most craziest, stupidest, & funniest shit ive ever fucken heard of, and dont deny it cause yall know im right. 

& speeakin of hoes, FAHHHHH-REEEEEEEEEEEEE! haha. They part of the problem, a bigass parrrrrrt. DIRTYGIRLS cant seem to step off a nigga who already got girl. Damn imma update my WHOD I LIKE TO MEET on myspace... " a DG, so i can ask her what is it about a man who already got a girrrrl that you love oh so fucking much?" hahaha seriously though. Its all a little circle of bullshit.  Wifey wants a nigga, nigga wants a wifey, DG wants a nigga with a wifey.... awwww shit. Weed out the negative, thats all i gotta say. 

"there is a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, just results."

It can all be so simple, but the truth of the matter is ... you both have to want it, whole heartedly ... we're young and you still wanna do your thannnng & have fun? yawwwwp your fucking right. Dont commit yourself to one person if you know your ass cant stay true, simple as that. But you love them too much to leave them? How bout love them enough to save them the pain & the tears. Theres a difference between loving & being IN love. LOVING someone you start to realize things & start to discover your ture self, whereas when you fall IN LOVE you lose yourself in the other person & nothing and no one else matters except the two of you. In simpler terms, the difference between rap and hiphop is like love and being in love, because rap is just a word.

Latif - I dont wanna hurt you; throwbaccccck but get on his hyppppe. 

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY ...

come again another daaay puh-leassssse! if you know me well, you know that i get cold in a quiccckness. i always got some type of blanket with me ... in my car, the " family car ", the living room, & yupppp even one at work. Cause you already know when the coldness hits my skin its a done deal, you gunna hear me whine about it till theres no end, so bring a blanket when you see me! =) i hatteeeee the cold, no doubt. where you at sunshineeee?! come out come out where ever you are... 

damn i miss summer dayssssss ... 

...& nightss.

*ANYWAYS on a wholeeeee different note... 

Prenatal vitamins. Am i taking them? YESSSSSSIR. Am i Pregnant? Nah, go kick rocks if you thinkin that way. I just need an extra boooost of vitamins in my system cause i swear my hair is thining out & prenatal vitamins is more then enougggh (Plus my doctor recommended it). but  APPARENTLY buying some Prenatals at Target gave me more then just extra essentials; more like unwanted attention. I swear people these days cant mind theyre own businessssss real talk. Tell me why i was paying for them and once the oldasswrinkled lady scanned the prenatals she hella gave me a look, an expression i cant describe in words ... but it did make me lightweight uncomfortable. She looked at me & i looked right back, but there were no words exchanged, but then she kept glimpsing at my stomach, ovbiously trying to be hella slick ... but you already know i notice EVERYTHING so dont even try. Tah cut the long story short i know what that bitch was thinking behind her thickass almost goggle lookin glasses and honestly i dont blame her, i meaaan i AM BUYING PRENATALS RIGHT?! Story gets better though, as the bitch keeps giving me " the look " ... i pay and get my shit & as im leaving the next customer comes up which is another oldwrinkled lady ... as im walking towards the door i over hear oldwrinkled lady #1  sayyy " KIDS THESE DAYS ... THEY NEED TO START BUYING CONDOMS" .... & i fucking quote each word. Bitch got the nerve. HAHA just cause her shit is all worn out, haha nahhhh just kidding im not tryna start anything with wrinkles cause im a lover, not a fighter :]. but my point is ... people need to stop judging from the surface, especially if you dont know jackshit about the person. What if i was buying that shit for my mom? sister? cousin? Bitch recognize. & if i WAS PREGNANT, AND WHAT? What if it was by choice. What if i was financially stabled, with a good education, & in a strong relationship. THEN WHAT? Wrinkles got the nerve though, you would think some old lady like her would know better from experience, but then again .... who am i tahh judge? 

Other than wrinkles #1 & #2 my day was alll goooooood babbby.